News / Blog

July 24, 2009

Oh, Canada! For crying out loud

PRE-ORDER DEADLINE APPROACHES – JULY 27, see fourth paragraph if you actually have a life and don’t have time for this.

My Dearest Friend:

So good news. After my last missive about the missing box of little posters that was seemingly swallowed by Canadian customs, a few of our Canadian fans staged a protest which opened the door to some high-level negotiations, and the box has been captured. These three superfriends (not Superfriendz – they’re a fine band but they’re so honorable they’d never be involved in such a sordid operation) – Thierry, Jean Luc and Benoit, stormed the customs office demanding to speak to the man with the walrus mustache, who agreed to a videoconference with me. OK, since they’re Canadian, they didn’t “storm” so much as they asked politely and apologetically, but because everyone present was Canadian, this was enough to startle the walrus. His demands were simple. He wanted a VHS copy of the grainy black and white Scud Mountain Boys video, which seemed like a good idea in 1996, of “Penthouse in the Woods.” I told him I would mail one, and he could hold it up in customs. He also wanted to take us up on the offer for his band to do a split 45 with Cheticamp, and I told him we would do this on our subsidiary label, Shawmut (we’re working our way up the Red Line), but, and I can only say this now that the box is in Joe’s possession, I have no intention of making good. Record company weasel is in my DNA, and I’ve never met a promise that shouldn’t be broken. The trick is to come up with some kind of humiliating way to let him know, and I am open to suggestions. For instance, once when I was on tour in Europe with the Scuds, and Joe was being outrageously and despicably disrespectful to me, most likely by refusing to let me ride shotgun or by drinking the last Chocomel, I asked him if he wanted to play hangman, whereupon I spelled out Y O U ‘ R E D R O P P E D. It’s a scientific fact that rejection is less unpleasant if contained within a game. I also agreed to go on a date with the walrus – somewhere nice, with Labatt’s and poutine rapee – the next time I’m in Canada, which will be, obviously, never.

So anyway, Joe has these things, and he’s going to sign them soon and get them back to me so I can package it all up and send it to you. I’m ready to go. I finally took down the Christmas tree and have a big assembly line set-up in the living room. I’ve done some of the pre-packaging already, taking a bullet as you can see in this picture of my arm: (You will undoubtedly notice that I did have time to get a nice manicure, because while I’m happy to take one for the team, there’s no reason whatsoever for any of us to behave like animals.)

Thanks so much to all of you who have placed an order. I’m excited as well to get rid of all of the extra stuff you’ve purchased – the cheap CDs, and especially the t-shirts. Speaking of the t-shirts, you don’t mind if I’ve worn them all once to the gym without washing do you? My washing machine is broken, and it’s one of those Catch-22 thingies. I can’t buy a new one until I sell some of these t-shirts, and I can’t do any laundry until I get a new washing machine. Thanks for understanding. I’ll take 10% off any shirt on which I spilled anything, and 20% if the stain is permanent.

If you haven’t pre-ordered the new CD yet, you have until Monday, July 27, Newfoundland Daylight Time (NDT), to do so. For those of you who haven’t been following the saga and have NO idea what I’m talking about, because you haven’t been following, as opposed to because it’s just plain hard to follow, have a look here – for information about how you can pre-order the CD and get an extra little gift from your friends at Ashmont and Canadian customs.

Also, you can pre-order Joe’s book here: (I’m told that the Adams Street Branch of the Boston Public Library has two copies on order if you want to go that route.) If you’re unsure about whether you want it, you can read an excerpt here: Also, you’ll see in this excerpt a reference to the band The Young Accuser. I’ve explained this before, but it’s a little tough to follow, so please pay attention. I’m not going to repeat it (very often or accurately). One of the fictional songs in the book is “Black Smoke (No Pope)” which will be released on a three-song Sub Pop single on August 4, by The Young Accuser. In the book, the narrator, who is not Joe, is in The Young Accuser for a short time. After the fictional narrator leaves this fictional band, they fictionally record the fictional song “Black Smoke (No Pope)” and send it to the non-fictional Sub Pop. This is the non-fiction version of that fictional single. Of interest may be the fact that a cover of an even earlier, more fictional “Black Smoke (No Pope)” was recorded by the non-fictional Joe Pernice and appears on the non-fictional It Feels So Good When I Stop (Soundtrack). Long story short, the single is now available for order in the store at

As you also know, if you’ve been with us a while, that Joe is taking this “shiznit” (as his east coast opening act, the tap dancing ventriloquist pair of Siamese twins The Walsh Brothers would call it) on the road, with dates in a limited number of cities in which reside people we actually care about, as opposed to all of the other cities in the world, in which reside, I am told continually, all the rest. You can figure out whether we care about you or not by looking at the tour dates here: As many of you know, now that my parole is up, I am actually going to go out on the road for the first time since I was a merch girl in the USO with Bob Hope during the second World War. Joe said I could come on two conditions – that I travel in a separate vehicle on account of my potty mouth and his delicate sensibilities, and that I change out of the housecoat, rollers and slippers I’ve been wearing since the Gilmore Girls was canceled. So, I look forward to seeing some of you out there, but remember, I scare easily, don’t like to be touched, and you’ll go blind if you look directly at me.

I really do love most of you. Joe does too. And Charlie loves all of you.

Your humble servant,

Dorchester, Mass.

Joyce @ 12:33 pm