News / Blog

April 25, 2007

Hit or Missive

Since being named Time’s Person of the Year, I haven’t been blogging/posting much. Rather, I’ve been contemplating the awesome responsibility thrust upon me with that honor. Maybe I haven’t appreciated the heft of my position. So, I stepped back to take stock, feeling bad about the fibs I’ve told and the half-truths I’ve planted, all in the name of selling records. But recently, I realized that I’ve done nothing more than perpetuate the industry standard, taking my rightful place within the proud traditions of record promotion, carnival barking and the bloodsport of politics. So, I went to confession and with a clean slate, I give you this humble update.

First, I am very, very angry, because some band that I will not name, because that’s what they want, stole my idea for the creation of the next Pernice Brothers record. This unnamed band has agreed to let their record company seal them in a huge plastic bubble where they’ll write and record their new record. I totally planned to seal the Pernice Brothers in the Corita Kent gas tank off the Southeast Expressway (sans matches of course) to make their next record. But now I can’t. I formed an exploratory committee and everything. So instead, the band will hole up in the attic of a lovely bungalow near Ashmont Station in Dorchester, which, when I feel like it, serves as the world headquarters of Ashmont Records and when I don’t feel like it, serves as my home. I can’t wait. There’s nothing quite like a house full of guys hopped up on coffee who think they’re really funny when I’m trying to watch TV. Charlie’s looking forward to it though. He’s a lot more like them than he is like me, if you know what I mean.

I said Pernice Brothers record, but before you get all excited and email Pitchfork, I can’t say that’s what it is. Here’s what I know. Joe, James Walbourne, Ric Menck and some guy from Quebec whose name is too difficult to spell (I hope it’s not the guy from Voivod) are coming. I’ve been asked to rent Morphine’s drum kit, hit up Phil Sullivan Electric, Inc. for every microphone he has ever owned, and make up the guest rooms. I was also given the following shopping list, which I promptly passed along to the minions: bongos, cowbell, duct tape, towels, coffee, pop rocks, the most recent issue of The Economist and Satisfaction on DVD (starring Justine Bateman). That’s all I have. If any of you have heard anything about a release date or title, by all means, let me know.

Also, inspired by a recent piece of fan mail from Ryan from Minnesota, who claims to have passed his GRE test as a result of repeated listenings of Joe’s songs, we’ve done a licensing deal with Kaplan Test Prep.  They will pay us to make sure that certain words are used in future songs, and then Pernice Brothers records will be distributed with those big fat test prep books as study guides to people taking standardized tests. (Working titles for new songs include “My Abstemious Life,” “One Parsimonious Fellow,” “One Neuron Shy of a Synapse,” and “Her Eyes Were Refulgent When She Crushed My Spirit.”) In this day and age, with the death of retail, and because we’re too old to really know how to use the internets, we had to find a new means of distribution. We’re hoping that this innovative plan will be profiled in Business Week, because as you know, Business Week readers now make up 28% of our audience.

Tomorrow night, in Somerville (that’s right, Somerville), I’ll be seeing the world premiere of a movie called On Broadway, by a guy named Dave McLaughlin, which has a couple of Pernice Brothers songs in it. I believe “Weakest Shade of Blue” runs over the end credits. You can see the trailer with the song at But the really cool thing about it is that the movie stars Joey McIntyre, and thus, the Pernice Brothers and New Kids on the Block finally cross paths. I of course, being from Dorchester, have had brushes with NKOTB before. In fact, I have a card autographed by four of the five of them (it’s missing Donnie) on one side, and by Ronald Reagan on the other side. I’m pretty sure it’s one-of-a-kind.  But it’s Joe’s first NKOTB encounter.

As soon as someone tells me what they’re recording in the attic, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I have nothing new to sell you. Only old stuff. But I have plenty of that. As if you don’t know, you can find it at, in the store.

Thanks for your support, which we can feel even in the quiet times.


Joyce @ 7:45 pm